Thursday, December 2, 2010

Nov.2010 A Vehicle of Salvation

It was a great milestone to have an indoor toilet but I was far from living comfortably. The new entryway to the kitchen was very much unfinished, leaving a gaping hole in the side of the camper which I had only temporarily closed up with a sheet of plywood. There were still many gaps in the side of the house where not only cold air could enter but warm air could escape. Keeping warmth inside the kitchen has been challenging from the beginning. The warm air from the stove tends to go upstairs and only begrudgingly finds it's way into the off shoot of the kitchen. I need it to be closed up for the coming winter cold.
The kitchen has for the last year been a bare bones structure and a major source of air leaks. There is a lot here to do because not only am I creating a new entryway but also another level above it that will be coupled to most of the kitchen. In the distant future it will serve as an indoor greenhouse and part of some sort of tower.. for the near future it will serve the purpose of much needed storage with a temporary roof.
So after christening the septic I turned my attention to constructing the rest of the floor for the second level next to the kitchen. Part of it I had already built but I wanted it to extend all the way to the adjacent (exterior) wall of the upstairs bedroom.
So with two full days remaining in this visit, I started by framing out a couple of walls that would enclose the lower level and one that connected the entryway with the (exterior) living room wall. In the future this will serve as a wall for the garage. For now it would support the stingers for the above floor which will also be a small deck, all of which will eventually create a sort of enclosure around the first ten feet of the trunk of the Pine. After installing the stringers I was able to complete the floor/deck of the second level. I reached this point late in the evening of the last remaining day, a Saturday. I had cut and fitted all the boards for the floor but was too cold and exhausted to continue. I would finish it the next morning before I left.

Last day, time to go. It always comes down to this. I remember this feeling from when I was a kid. It is one of profound disappointment. Summer vacation is over. Must go to back to school. Go back to the world of people who will look at me and judge me and expect me to be and do as I am told; tasks I do not care to do, events that hold little meaning for me, rules to follow and a schedule to keep. I do not care for "life as we know it". My usual routine and my job, as ideal as I've managed to make it, seems drab and ridiculous to me now that the house exists. The house is what matters to me most now. It is the vehicle of my salvation, my Jesus Christ. It's progress is fused with the cells of my blood. It is the refuge I sought as a kid but found only elusive in imagination; left searching always searching as a young adult for something real, eventually drowning myself in alcohol and self pity out of sheer frustration. I was looking for an intangible ideal in a world of illusion; a knowing of some sort that religious people seemed to possess. Over the years I came to believe the thing I was looking for was within and I turned my attention there. I studied religion, astrology and meditation. I tried lots of psychotropic drugs and scrambled my brains and then tried living sober and the world became flat and predictable. Eastern religion held much promise. I knew there was truth there, a common thread in all religions. But how to access it? Sitting in churches and meeting places and study groups did not offer a meaningful answer. The truth was always in front of me and I knew that, but I did not feel it; or rather I was not a part of it. I could never really feel like I was a part of anything. Any social activity would only accent my separateness and continues to this day. Meditation seemed most promising but again I could not resign myself to it. To do it completely was to dismiss all things material and did not explain to me the purpose behind all this that I see and imagine around me. Perhaps I was young and impatient but divorcing myself from the material world did not seem like a path I could follow. Then came the land and the genesis of this weird little house. I felt an awakening and a compelling feeling of "must do". Upon purchasing this land a path had been opened up to me. The more I build the richer I feel. It is a conduit of unadulterated joy and profound anxiety. The further it progresses the deeper I go... this house is me.

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